Cartopia -
The official site of The Life and Times of Car Johnson

Get your Car on!

An obstacle course stands before you. It is filled with many dangers and fiendish riddles, though you will not find any nudist gophers or those sound sensitive dancing cacti that some people think make good birthday gifts. There was a clown orgy, but they left before you got here, leaving only one lone red rubber nose behind.

The answer to each question is the url for the next page, so if the answer is fish, the url would be (This is an example and will only lead you to a dull error page). Paste what you think is the correct url into the address bar of your browser and if you are right, you'll go to the next step.

NOTE: The urls will not work with capital letters. Everything must be in lowercase.

The first three people to email with the code on the final page of the obstacle course will win a free ebook copy of the Life and Times of Car Johnson. Everyone who reaches the end by August 31, 2016 will be entered into a drawing for a signed paperback copy. Everyone who reaches the end will also receive a picture of a  blue ribbon.

The first answer is a freebie. The url is

Car may not be a secret agent, or a mythical beast cast down to earth to save the world, but he has his own brand of adventure. Car’s the kind of man who hangs around a bar, insulting passerby while neglecting to realize he forgot his pants. He’s rude, crude and… someone who thinks you can catch bees while wearing a bee costume.

With a little help from his less than conventional family--including a motorcycling grandma and a sister who wants him dead but can't quite figure out that you can't burn someone to death with a pocket magnifying glass--Car tries to make a name for himself and find a girl as unique as he is, even if it means going a date with someone who wants him to bury him alive.

The Life and Times of Car Johnson is an insane romp through the mind of a man who doesn't realize just how pathetic he really is. Come on a journey as Car travels the road of life, backwards and with his trusty cow fetus collection, while you ask yourself how anyone could ever think that making a home tanning kit with a flamethrower was a good idea.

Insanity never tasted so hilarious! Now available in mint!*


*Mint not actually included.

*Car bears no resemblance to any person, living or dead. The opinions expressed by Car are not the opinions of any person, living or dead. 



Go on a Carventure! Read the interactive book sample!

(Click the picture below.)




Recent Blog Entries